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Diarrhea is no joke, but try telling that to the Ohio inmate who filed a $2 million lawsuit after he claimed a prison guard made him soil his pants and cause him some hefty embarrassment. Darek Lathan, 47, had his case dismissed by a common pleas judge last week in a cleverly written poem complete with legalese throw in for good measure.

Lathan’s case went to file last October after he accused an officer at the Correctional Reception Center in Orient of keeping him from relieving his bowels and on Sept. 17 while waiting in line for recreation. Lathan said he told the guard he’d been suffering from diarrhea and a cold after having to take cold showers at the facility but the pleas fell on deaf ears. Lathan let loose in his pants and said he was a laughingstock.

Lathan was seeking the damages over “harassment, embarrassment, riddiculing (sic) and emotional distress” but Franklin County Judge David E. Cain saw the lawsuit as a frivolous matter and handled the case with a poem he wrote while taking lunch.

From the Columbus Dispatch:

Cold showers caused his bowels to malfunction

Or so the plaintiff claims

A strict uncaring prison guard

Is whom the plaintiff blames.

While in line for recreation

And little time for hesitation

His anal sphincter just exploded

The plaintiff’s britches quickly loaded.

It made the inmates laugh and play

To see the plaintiff’s pants this way

The foul, unsightly, putrid mess

Caused the plaintiff major stress.

Claiming loss and shame to boot

The plaintiff filed the present suit

But the law provideth no relief

From such unmitigated grief.

Neither runs nor constipation

Can justify this litigation

Whether bowels constrict or flex

De minimus non curat lex.

For those keeping score at home, “De minimus non curat lex” means “the law does not concern itself with trifles.”

Judge Cain, who has worked for nearly three decades, only has a few years left on the job and decided to have a little fun despite Lathan’s embarrassing ordeal.

“I only have three years to go” before an age restriction prevents him from seeking re-election, Cain said. “If there’s anything I want to do, I better get about doing it. I just wanted to have some fun.”

As for Lathan, he’s currently serving a 17-month vandalism sentence. Hopefully he’s got full bathroom privileges too.

Photo: Photo credit: GorillaSushi via / CC BY-SA