Are Funkmaster Flex's Latest Rants Epic Or Embarrassing?
Here's how I ended up listening to Nicki Minaj's “Beez In The Trap.”
I woke up from an hour-long nap. Scooted over to Miss Info's site [Editor's Note: We trust he checked Hip-Hop Wired, first]. Saw the song up and I hit “download” (Roughly 227 seconds later, it was in my recycle bin, but that's besides the point). I didn't listen to the radio to hear the song and had no clue what DJ was supposed to have been “breaking” the new music while I was napping. Because, again, all I had to do was go online and download the song.
Apparently, though, the firestorm over who actually was supposed to debut Nicki's latest single has led to one of the weirdest meltdowns seen—or listened to—since the Dame Dash days. Here's the story:
Apparently DJ Clue had the song first. Funk Flex didn't like that, so he somehow yanked the song off of DJ Clue (or an associate's) email and “broke” the song first. Of course, one can argue that the song was broken beyond repair when it was made, but again, beside the point. Flex, already fuming over DJ Clue celebrating his radio station's recent ratings win, decided to go on one of his “legendary” rants about his “victory.”
"Flex and Clue arguing about breaking a song in the age of the Internet is the equivalent of Sony and Panasonic arguing about who has the dopest VCR in 2012."
During his rant, Flex made some funny points about DJ Clue never kicking the ball, Charlie Brown. But, really, it was embarrassing for a few reasons.
1. Flex admitted to going in Clue's email to steal the song. And, quite frankly, that's a Beyotch move. Men shouldn't go digging around other guys' email accounts and they definitely shouldn't do it to steal info. Flex would be better off bragging about leaving a flaming bag of poo outside of Clue's door.
2. I get that Flex drops bombs. But dropping bombs at the end of your own jabs is the equivalent of laughing at your own jokes. He's like the “boosh pow surprise” guy from the Chappelle show.
3. And here's the saddest part. Funkmaster Flex is arguing about being the champion of a dead art. Nobody cares about breaking records on the radio anymore. Like I said, I grabbed the song from a website without a clue as to who had the record first. Right now, Flex and Clue arguing about breaking a song in the age of the Internet is the equivalent of Sony and Panasonic arguing about who has the dopest VCR in 2012.
Of course, all of this prompted Clue to respond. However, Clue kept his response to a mere two-minutes. Highlights? Clue called Flex a hoe. Lowlights? Clue still sounds like he's on the verge of puberty. Clue, though, seems to understand how silly all of this is, so he said his piece and moved on, because as the guy whose bags Clue used to carry once said: “don't argue with fools, cuz people from a distance can't tell who is who”. So there you have it. Clue and Flex made their points and we can continue ignoring them. Right? Wrong. Flex had more to say. For Flex's latest trick, he decided to sound like a lunatic, ranting and raving about DJ Clue. As the rant wore on, one begins to wonder if the onset of dementia can occur when someone reaches his or her early 40s.
Funkmaster Flex's rant was nothing short of an on-air dry snitch. He talked about Clue coming to him bearing gifts in the form of tennis shoes when he left Hot 97 to join the competition in what was supposed to be an embarrassing story. But, actually, it kind of made Clue sound like a nice guy. Still, Flex kept his tirade going, putting personal business on the air and alternating between yelling and a weird whisper. More points to consider:
1. Dear Flex, nobody will relate to you making fun of another man in a BMW except for your rich friends. So laughing at Clue riding around in a “Baby Momma Beamer” is white noise to use since most of your listeners heard your rant from a subway car.
2. Flex, who's had a show on MTV, insulted Clue for having shows on MTV. That's it.
3. Apparently liking vacations and s*x with models is a bad thing? Beef is so confusing. Err…you know what I mean.
"Arguing over who broke “Beez In The Trap” is like arguing over who took Star Jones' virginity."
If you listen closely, though, you can hear a man realizing that his days are numbered and he's incapable of coping with that reality. Flex is a cowboy who's realized everyone else is driving cars. He's a sailor watching planes fly overhead. He's a DJ who made his name breaking records, but he's suddenly lost in a platform that's fading away. Gone are the days when Flex exclusively has a hold of a song for a while. And he sounds like a man lost without his gimmick. So he reacts by yelling. It's sad to watch.
As an aside: “Beez In The Trap” is pure, unadulterated poo in the can. Arguing over who broke that record is like arguing over who took Star Jones' virginity. In the end, it's just five minutes of our lives we'll never get back and won't want to relive.
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Photo: Hot 97