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"Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" New York Premiere

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In today’s episode of Maaaaaan, If Somebody Don’t Come Get This Rich White Boy, Chet Hanks, son of legendary actor Tom Hanks, has just thrown his father all the way under the paternal bus in a YouTube video in which he claimed he “didn’t have a strong male role model” growing up.

But Chet isn’t appropriating the real woes of actual people who grew up without a father because his dad didn’t teach I’m the birds and the bees or how to ride a bike—he’s apparently crying because his father didn’t tell him that he was the best and that everyone else is just salty about it.

“I didn’t have a strong male role model to tell me…‘Bro, f**k these people. They are just jealous of you,’” Chet said in reference to the disrespect he endured from his peers who he said perceived him as “arrogant, entitled and spoiled”—a perception this video is not helping to dismantle.

“‘You have all these things that they want, so they are trying to f**king throw their shade at you so you can feel s**tty about yourself because they are jealous.’ I needed to hear that,” he continued. “I didn’t have anyone to tell me that. This is me now telling the younger version of myself what I needed to hear then.”

Awwww, what a white boy bummer, Chet.

Seriously, this is the most dude-bro version of opening up and being vulnerable that I’ve ever seen. This man really sat in front of a camera for damn near 15 minutes just to essentially say, “I had it bad because I’m rich and awesome and there are people who only think I’m rich.” 

Like, OK, bruh, we get it, you didn’t have enough friends growing up. I mean, really we already knew that because true friends would have talked you out of doing this weird colonizer sh**:

Anyway, Chet went on to say decry how people “make up their minds” about him before getting to know him.

“It was extremely hard to break down their walls,” he shared. “So, I encountered a lot of disdain, a lot of animosity and negativity because everybody was just prepared to hate my guts.”

Then, because this man’s caucasity is boundless, he basically admitted that everything he was just whining about was sh** he never actually experienced firsthand.

“People kinda did f**k with me a lot growing up. It was never to my face,” he said. “It was always behind my back in the forms of gossip and s**t-talking.”

Bruh, is…is this man just talking about the regular-degular life?

“There’s a lot of advantages, but sometimes it can be pretty weird,” he continued. “I got to do a lot of cool s**t that a lot of people don’t get the opportunity to do. I got to travel the world, stay in nice hotels, fly on private planes, and I’m very blessed for that. I wouldn’t change my situation.”

When your “woe is me” video sounds like the game show winner’s grand prize, but for your entire life, at some point, you gotta know the video you’re filming will not come off as the empathy-inducing confession you think it is.

Some things are just better worked out in therapy, bruh.

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