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Chris Brown might never live down that fateful 2009 night where an argument with then-girlfriend Rihanna spilled over into a violent episode in where he badly beat and bruised the Bajan superstar. In his new documentary titled Welcome To My Life, Brown says that he “felt like a f—king monster” for what he did and says he’ll live with it forever.

Page Six reports:

Soon after their fight, a police photo emerged of Rihanna’s bloody and bruised face.

“I look back at that picture and I’m like that’s not me, bro, that’s not me,” he said. “I hate it to this day. That’s going to haunt me forever.”

Brown was ultimately charged with one felony count of assault and one felony count of making criminal threats. He was spared jail time and was given five years probation and 180 days of community service.

The clip for Welcome To My Life where he addresses the situation and the relationship overall can be viewed below.